The Young Man's Guide to Curing Homosexuality

If there’s one thing you can be assured of from the Holy Scriptures, it is that God hates fags. In both Old and New Testaments, homos have judgment coming to them straight from the throne of God (Exodus 20:14; Leviticus 18:22; 20:13; I Corinthians 6:9; Romans 1:18-22)! You don’t want to be a homo because you don’t want to burn in Hell, but you’re having sexual feelings for people of the same sex. What do you do?

Did God make you a homosexual? No sir, he did not, anymore than he made a town drunk a town drunk. You have a thirst for the erotic emissions from those of the same sex, but trust the word of the Lord when he assures you that the names you’ll be calling out in the darkness of Gehenna will not belong to some strapping young dude you met at The Man Hole. And the claw marks on your back? Those won’t be from him either!

Below are seven surefire principles on how to beat homosexuality and stroll right through the golden gates of heaven with Jesus and the godly gang! Take heart, young man! You’ve pulled yourself away from watching Brokeback Mountain long enough to read this, so there’s hope for you yet!

First, realize that you are sick: Admitting you have a problem is the first step. Your parents were right and their parents before them were right; homosexuals are ill. You are sicker than a needle-sharing transient on a San Francisco elementary school playground, and Hell’s mouth is wide-open, just waiting to receive you—not unlike your mouth is open when you go to slurp on the ricardos of strangers with military cuts and washboard abs whom you meet answering ads in the “Anything Goes” section of the Village Voice Newspaper! That old devil got a hold of you when you were growing up and gave you an identity crisis, which made you attracted to members of the same sex. So isn’t it about time you get the prescription medicine from Jesus to cure your illness! Amen?!

Thank God for his mercy: The Almighty has cooled off since the Old Testament. It used to be that Jesus’ daddy was in power way back when. If it were up to him, he’d have killed your sorry, gay ass and been done with it already. But thanks be to God for Jesus Christ his son, who is more merciful and has convinced his papa to give queer-baits like you another shot at heaven.

Pray to Jesus and ask him for strength: This is an important step. Go to Jesus in prayer and ask for the conviction to overcome the raging demon inside you that causes you to lust for strange flesh. But I must warn you; just because Jesus was portrayed as a sissy-looking man in paintings of him in the middle ages doesn’t mean he looked that way! We now have it on good authority that Jesus was a big, hunky man, and so there may be the temptation for gay-wads like yourself to lust after him; he did, after all, rub saliva and mud on the body of another man to give him back his sight (John 9:6), but Jesus is not a mud-wrestling sex object! Jesus is no kink! He is tough and will damn you to Hell if you so much as think of lusting upon him!

Stay away from homosexual temptations: The Lord warned us to remind him not to lead us in the way of temptation, but that means we’ve got to do our part not to walk in it! So stay away from liberals and sexual perverts, especially modern hippies and eurotrash, and anyone who spends a lot of time using cell phone cameras and wears black turtleneck shirts—like the Starbucks crowd, for instance. They are the most abominable faggots around. Be sure and stay away from gyms. Sweat glistening off big, bulging biceps is not what you need to see. Don’t watch TV shows like Will & Grace that glorify nanny-boyism. Also, don’t dare get involved in the fashion industry! To safeguard your soul, learn to detect lisps and anyone who seems to be trying to cover them up. Don’t forget that men who have an excessive number of female friends might be trying to slip under your “gaydar” and right into your bed, and before you know it, you’ll be swimming in satin sheets with a well-endowed piece of man-meat behind you.

Before I get off (No, I don’t mean that, you queer! It’s just a play on words!) this point, it should go without saying that every converting homosexual is required by God (and preferably, their own consciences!) to discard old items that led or might lead to sinful acts…naughty toys, same-sex posters of hotties on your walls, posters of the gay comedian Ant, rainbow coalition bracelets, anything in the color pink, jars of Vaseline, etc. Hot dogs and sausages are off limits to you, as are bananas and enchiladas (and I know I don't have to explain to you why).

Spend more time around grandma and grandpa and the church crowd: Grandma and grandpa new best! That’s why their generation was so lovely and yours is going to Hell in a hand basket. Preacher Hank and churchmen are the best influence you could have. Hang out with them long enough and it’s a darn-near certainty that you’ll find it easier to hate the homo crowd you once ran with. And when trying to find anti-gay friends in your neighborhood, it is a good idea to be looking for someone with a gun rack in their truck.

And of course, I would be doing you a great disservice by not mentioning how necessary it is to remember great Bible characters who fought homosexuality and are thus excellent examples for you to follow; there was righteous Lot (Genesis 19; 2 Peter 2:7-8) who resisted successfully the flaming influences from the gay community of his time, and there was King Josiah, who tore down the houses of the sodomites and vanquished them from the land (II Kings 23:7).

One more thing; it is a common ploy for sissies and sissy sympathizers to scream discrimination and accuse God-fearing Christians of harassing them. Don’t be deterred by this; when these whining wussies find out what Jesus is going to do to them in Hell, they’ll be BEGGING to be back here on earth, getting mocked by us again, with our usual assortment of hot mayonnaise jokes!

Challenge yourself to become straight and actively anti-gay (emphasis on the word “actively!”): March in an anti-gay rally and protest. Wear “Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve” t-shirts (loose-fitting only, you fruit!), and put anti-gay bumper stickers on your car. When you do see a gay couple in public, go up to them and call them out: “You are an abomination to the Lord, queer! Repent while there is still time!” After rebuking them in the name of the Lord, get away from them so that you won’t be tempted to apologize and exchange phone numbers.

As an ex-queer, remember all the wrong that you have done and the hurt you caused your parents for making them put up with your gay indecency for so long. It’s time to make reconciliation! Get married (to some girl, any girl) as quickly as possible and have kids. You owe your parents that much. Bring a girl home, and even if you aren’t attracted to her, marry her just for appearance’s sake. That’s the least you can do to make mom and dad proud. Having the commitment of being married will be just one more safeguard against your ever falling back into sodomy. The good Lord would rather you wake up each morning next to a loveless hag with matching rings than to be led into the chambers of Hell by a firm-bodied Adonis.

Put away the iniquity forever: This is the last step in your reformation from an unfaithful fag to a born again believer. Here is what you do; go to the store and buy some clay and make the clay into an erect penis facing upwards. Make it at least one foot high so that you will notice it, and make it look real; take some time with it, sculpt it and shape it well; give it testicles too. Then harden it in the oven, and when it is done cooking, leave it in your living room or whatever room you frequent most. Every time you have a temptation for someone of the same sex, write the temptation down on a sticky note (no, not that kind of sticky, you fudge-packer!) and attach it to the clay penis. When the week expires, lay hands on the penis and pray; “Lord, on this phallic image of evil I lay all of my homosexuality. As it is destroyed, let my sins be destroyed forever, along with the temptations.” Then, take a baseball bat and smash the hard penis to pieces. You’re done! You finished the object lesson that helped to reinforce that you are now converted to the Lord and freed from sin!

If after this you are still experiencing homosexual temptations, then know that you could be the dreaded antichrist who is to come. It is predicted that he will also be gay (Daniel 11:37). If you are not the antichrist, you are still someone who was obviously insincere in following one or more of the steps we covered above. In that case, I hope you enjoy Hell!