An Invitation to Atheistfest '07

To whom it may concern...

As everyone knows, there are a lot of atheists here at DC, and we’d like to take this time to invite everyone who is likeminded to come to our next festive event, Atheistfest ‘07 (specific locations and times revealed privately for safety and security concerns).

What is Atheistfest? The yearly meetings (held just after the fourth of July) conducted by the godless for the purposes of worshipping Satan, sacrificing cats, having group sex, and making blood pacts with our glorious father, Lucifer.

What is an atheist? An atheist is a teeth-gritting hater of God who spends great portions of his or her life urinating on crosses, setting churches on fire, and stealing like it’s going out of style. Everyone knows that atheism is just another religion, so let me define for you what our religion is about…

Our earthly idol and hero is none other than Joseph Stalin. Our holy trinity consists of Pol Pot, Mao Zedong, and Karl Marx. Our goals in life are murder, rape, and, yes, world domination! Our houses of worship are the beds of fornication, awash with every bodily fluid known to man, upon which we sleep till noon on Sundays to spite the Christian God. Our bible is The Origin of Species, by Charles Darwin, and on a regular basis, we do what all good atheists do: we charge into churches and throw canisters of biohazard over the pews and into the baptistery; we startle Christian women by running up to them and getting in their faces – with our tongues out and our middle fingers extended – as we scream the vilest of obscenities at them; we walk up to random kids on the street and piss on them, sending them screaming back to their mother’s arms; we decorate our houses with the latest and most hip pentagrams on the market; we sodomize sheep, pigeons, and puppies for hours on end in pagan sex rituals wherein we scream out in knee-weakening, erotic delight. Anal rape is our most treasured pastime—and believe me when I tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve tried baby raping! As we pulverize the seats of our victims, we yell out licentious chants like, “Almighty Prince of Darkness, guide my enormous, throbbing cock!”

Why do we do all this? We conduct ourselves so because we are atheists and have no moral standards, and it is common knowledge that without an angry sky spirit in the clouds, looking down on us and telling us what to do, reminding us that he will torture us if we get out of line, we humans are so recklessly base and primal that we’re bound to do the stuff we atheists do—like invite college-age kids back to our places with the lure of alcohol and porn, where we subdue them, torture them, and consume their flesh in place of a far too ordinary Nighthawk Steak Dinner.

Now you might be saying, “Even if you don’t believe in God, shouldn’t you atheists find at least a few reasons to live good and moral lives?” Nope, there are none! You might think we would learn to love and be happy and have some sense of compassion, but we never do. For some strange reason, we became villainous vipers the very moment we embraced atheism. No one can explain why, but every ounce of goodness suddenly left us, even our home-raising and good manners! Poof! Went right out the window, flew away—all of it, just like that!

We slam our hands down on tables and say,“I hate life. I am an atheist. Damnit, I’m bored! I’m going to stab someone with an ice-pick!” So, as you can see, we are nothing but grumpy, soulless, boneheaded, billy goats, who are way beyond the hope of saving.

You best avoid us…or if you’re one of us in spirit, join us at another fun retreat. This year promises to be even better than last year, where – if we can avoid the authorities – a brunette virgin will be sacrificed when the sun reaches Zenith.

Be there!

Diabolically yours,