Christian-Detectors: $9.99 for a limited Time!

“O.K.! We have all had this problem, haven’t we? One neighbor claims to be a Christian, and goes to the church down the street. Another claims to be a Christian, too, but goes to a different church. People at work, at school, and in the media claiming to be a Christian.

“But Wait! A group will tell us that the other group is not a Christian. Even some within the same group will accuse others of not being a Christian. As we all know, Christians wear the same clothes, drive the same cars and have the same retirement plans as everyone else. Sadly, there was no way to tell the difference.

“Until Today!

“We have developed a patented two-part system by which you too can be confident and assured that you have accurately picked out who is a Christian and not. No more awkward confrontations at neighborhood parties. No more troubling questions, sidelong glances or embarrassing slip-ups.

“Image how much more confident you will be walking down the street, easily determining who is a Christian and who is not. You can chuckle when a person attempts to sell you something Christian, when clearly it is not. Expose the lies! Stun your friends and relatives with your pin-point accuracy!

“The first step in this amazing detector is to determine who loves God. As we all know, we can recognize a person that loves God is the one that loves one another and does what is right. (1 Jn. 4:21; 3:10)

“’But wait!’ you say, ‘We all know people that are loving others and do what is right. How can that be enough? Even people who do not claim to be Christians, such as Jews and Buddhists do that.’ And right you are! Up until now that is all we had to rely upon. And, as you very astutely notice, this left us with still the perpetual problem of lack of perception as to who the preserved protected are.

“Up ‘till today, we could only use rough tools by which to determine who the Christians were. Oh, sure, if they were convicted of murder, or drank too much, or beat their wives. Those were easily rejected. If they don’t give enough, or say the wrong words or go to the wrong movies—we could speak with confidence that they were not Christians.

“It is our unique combination of the traditional method and new technology that creates this patented way of determining Christians or not. See, we don’t stop at just the first step. No sirree! We then implement the second to determine with accuracy to the 100th decimal place as to Christianity factor!

“We have recently discovered that if a person loves God, all things work together for good. (Rom. 8:28) By joining this essential second step to the first, we are able to not only eliminate non-Christians by what a person does; but equally by how well their life is going!

“Think about how useful this becomes! Sure, your nephew seems to be living right, and displays some love for others. But is he unemployed? Uh-oh. By applying our Christian Detector, we can see that he is clearly not a Christian. Instantly you can ostracize him with reliance that it is warranted. He is not a Christian!

“Or, if a person is sick and dies—that didn’t work out so well, did it? Or a rocky marriage ending in divorce. A teenage child that becomes addicted to drugs. Don’t you see how easy this becomes? If their life is not going well, clearly it is because they do not love God.

“In fact, using this system, many people make it even easier for you! If they ask for prayer, it is obvious all things are not working together for good. You can stand up, look them straight in the eye and proclaim, ‘You need Jesus, you sinner!’ How can you turn away from that type of assured accusation, especially when we are only asking $9.99?

“Many politicians, and media personalities would pay more than twice this price for this type of self-confidence in making statements.

“’But wait,’ you say ‘Doesn’t that verse mean it may not be good, but it will work out for good in the end.’ How silly is that? Don’t all unemployed people who look for jobs eventually find them? Don’t all people who are divorced have good moments after? Don’t other sick people get well?

“Why, if it was only a situation where things ‘work out’ that hardly gives us any new information, now does it? Amazingly, things ‘work out’ for everybody! No, no, the only way in which our Christian Detector works, is if the promises in the Bible mean more than just fluff that applies to everybody.

“Do you realize what that means? It means the term ‘Christian’ could be applied to a whole variety of people! Because we ALL do right sometimes and do wrong at others. We ALL love sometimes, and sometimes not. We ALL have situations that turn out good, and some that do not. Why—our Christian Detector would come up with results that either everybody is a Christian or no one is.

“And how much confidence is there in THAT? Wouldn’t you much prefer to label others as they should be labeled? And that is the beauty of this two-part system. Rather than worry about how the promises are unique in any way, you can apply this method and come out with results that are backed by scientific research.

“For $9.99 you can not only determine who is a Christian and who is not, but you can do it with such assurance and research that the claim is indefensible by the other person.

“Act now and we will throw in, FREE, this rubber stamp with the letter “I” and a never-ending Red Ink Pad. With this, after determining who is not a Christian, you can stamp an “I” on their forehead for “Infidel” so that not only you, but any other person confronting this heathen will equally be confident.

“Remember, this is a limited time offer.

The previous announcement was a totally unpaid, unwarranted and unasked for advertisement. The owner of this blog neither endorses the use of, nor the implications of the product. The “Christian-detector” is for entertainment purposes only, and its use is limited for that purpose. The manufacturer limits the warranty to those who are verified as Christian post-mortem and positive proof of the same must be made prior to the claim, signed in triplicate by God, Satan and St. Peter.

[Final Note. Before I am accused of rotten interpretation, you should know that the inspiration from this blog entry came from a sermon on Familytalk (satellite radio) in which the person made this exact claim. That only those who “love God” are entitled to having all things work out together for good.]