The Ache of Christmas
I am an agnostic on my best days, and an atheist on my better days. But when Christmas comes around, I ache inside.
I miss the meaning of the music, which in my opinion is the best and most moving choral and common music ever written. I miss the mystery of the moment, when God incarnated Himself in humanity. I miss the power of the myth...incarnation in a poor, forsaken Jew, living in occupied territory, born with a murder threat over his head and the head of his family.
I have been to Israel. I have stood in the cave under the Church of the Nativity. I have stood in the Shepherd's Cave. I have looked out over the fields where the shepherds watched their flocks at night. I looked up in the expanse of sky above my head, where those shepherds saw angels singing "Hosanna, peace on earth (not hardly), good will to mankind (yeh, well...)." I visited the little excavated home in Nazareth, swallowed up by a modern cathedral, where Mary raised the little Messiah to be. (OK - I am pulling a Paul here, trying to cite my credentials for the benefit of my attackers).
I even learned on that visit - and received it with a skeptical mind and heart because I was anointed of the Holy Spirit, and walking in faith - that those sites had absolutely no historic merit, but were consigned that identity by Catherine and the ambassadors from Constantine that marked off the Holy Land for Christianity in the fourth century.
Hell, I even miss Santa Claus, in my mind - now - a myth equal to the myth of Jesus and possibly more rooted in fantastical realism. The gifts under the tree, the Christmas Eve dinner, the singing of carols, the celebration with wassail...all of those things seem somewhat empty to me now that I have given up the Ghost.
It is not easy being agnostic at Christmas. HP Lovecraft - admittedly not the philosopher or intellect that is often quoted here, but a man of keen insight and a philosopher's vision - looked up at the stars and saw a cold, heartless, meaningless universe. John Loftus compared our plight on planet earth to a Monte Carlo card game...Bill Gnade took him up on it and an interesting argument ensued. Bottom line...when one embraces agnosticism, or atheism, one embraces a cold, heartless, meaningless universe that has no regard for humanity or the plight of humans or the destiny of individuals. Chuthulu may as well be out to destroy us for no reason other than that we, as a species and a race, are in his way. Doesn't matter.
Doesn't matter that I am agnostic, or that at one time I stood on the cliff overlooking Shepherd's Field and wept with wonder at the immensity of that alleged night.
The hardest truth of all...it does not matter. There are probably atheists and agnostics out there who will deny that they ever feel the emptiness of that truth. Or perhaps they don't ever feel that...and I envy them. I feel the ache, and Christmas just makes the ache of that reality more poignant. But as one who once worshipped the Babe in the Manger, and now does not...I am convinced that it is better to find a way to embrace the ache and get on with it, than to live in a delusion that - like the truth about Santa - may cause more damage than good.
So, it's midnight...and things are clear.
16 comments:
Brother Crow, enjoy the party, man. Be a "cultural tourist." I enjoyed Deepavali with friends from Mumbai even though I don't worship Lakshmi... I enjoy Chinese New Year each year with a couple fellows I work with... I enjoy Hanukkah each year with the Jewish half of my family out in Los Angeles (and they're all atheists too!)... I enjoy Christmas with my fiance's sister and her kids. When people ask me what I'm doing, I just say "I'm a humanist. I'm celebrating people." Point is, you don't have to embrace the religion to have fun dressing up, giving gifts, eating too much, and making noise.
Oh, and take it from a former choir conducting major... you do NOT have to be religious to enjoy church music. I don't have any problems singing Wagner even though I don't worship any Norse gods. I love singing Negro spirituals even though I'm not a bit spiritual. Performing such music is like putting on a role, temporarily... you can act the part of someone quite different in a play, for example, and when you take off the costume and makeup, you are still you.
As I tell my fellow vegetarians, you can't turn into a fanatic. Don't think in terms of denial and sacrifice. Think in terms of embracing and living the fullest, healthiest life you can. For me, religion, meat, and fanaticism are alike impediments to health.
speedwell said it. Hell, I even enjoy decorating the Christmas tree. And if you insist on celebrating something not based on any myth or legend, you can always celebrate the Winter Solstice: the time when the days start getting longer again. A purely astronomical phenomenon, but one worth being thankful for. Enjoy your family and friends, celebrate the fact that you are incredibly lucky to be alive: you are descended from an unbroken lineage going back not six thousand, but more than three billion years!
Interesting post, although I must confess having trouble relating to the feelings expressed. I don't miss religious belief one bit, even around the holiday season. Rather than any sort of ache, I experience something quite difficult to describe. Off the top of my head, I'd characterize it as an intoxicating rush of freedom and awareness. I pity those who still cling to religious delusion and hope that they will find a way out.
I got a kick out of the reference to H.P. Lovecraft.
You are aware he sympathized with Hitler and hated Jews and Christians just like Hitler did?
Yes, Lovecraft was very much interested in fascism. Probably grew out of his philosophical nihilism. Lovecraft was an atheist in regard to his belief in a divinity...but he seemed to really believe in (not just as a fictional construct) intellectually superior interstellar species and races whose motives would appear to humanity to be evil, simply because we don't have the capability of understanding motives of such an advanced consciousness...and those motives, while not neccesarily malevolent, are certainly not benevolent as far as humanity is concerned. More like...don't give a damn. And I think that is a pretty good summation of the reality of things. As for Jew or Christian hatred...Lovecraft's issue, not mine. And let's face it...some Jews hate Christians and some Christians hate Jews! Chthulu lives!
Andrew- and wasn't that Martin Luther a card? Not only did he hate Jews, but he wanted to burn witches himself. And he was the founder of the Protestant Church! I guess all Protestants suck, right?
Oh, to the other commenters...I am pretty much on the wavelength you have suggested. I enjoy the party, I sing the songs, I decorate the tree, I give the gifts. But the ache is up underneath it all. Frankly, there are those times I wish I could go back to an unquestioning believism so that more of the mystical wonder could shimmer on the tree. But...I wish my dad were still alive, too.
Man, I hear you there, bro crow. I wish both my parents were still alive. They would have been so proud of their grandchildren. But all we can do is pass on what love we can.
Brother Crow - I'm with you 100%. Today as I was doing some pre-Thanksgiving errands, I was listening to my favorite Jesus Rock cassette (yep - analog baby!): DeGarmo and Key: No Turning Back - now isn't that ironic? Because I turned back. There's a line that used to give me chills in the fourth song:
"Remember that kid in the manger scene?
When He comes back He's gonna reign as king!"
I used to strike a Pentecostal pose on that one - and now? Hollow like the old chocolate bunnies...
I've tried to research the Yule and Saturnalia angles of the whole solstice thing - and they are interesting, maybe even a "rich tradition," but I'm sorry - I never got into the sun god.
It just makes Pagans seem all the more idiotic...sorry, it just does.
I can't go back, even though I'm the drummer in megachurch and am about to play in our annual play/drama - and the music is ispiring, except that I don't have faith. So they inspire longing... but not the kind that makes me want to go back. The God who began a good work in me lied, because He didn't finish the job. If I see Pelagius in Hell I'll have to tell him he was right.
Sorry to digress, I deconverted in April and I live in the buckle of the Bible belt... at the age of 43 with a Ph.D. I rarely use, my life is interesting at the moment...
Brother Crow, in this Christmas longing, I am a kindred spirit.
Well, I miss my favourite carols: Oh holy night is one of them.
Everything else I can have. I have a meetup of ex-christians and atheists in the Vancouver, BC area, and we are going to have a Christmas party with eggnog, Christmas tree, gift exchange and all the trimmings. We will call it Winter Solstice celebration, since that's what it really is!
We will even sing carols...the pagan godless ones.
The Lower Mainland's Anti-Religious and Ex-Christian Meetup!
Wishing that the babe in the manger was real, or a real savior, or son of a real god...is the same as wishing my dad were alive. I can wish all I want...it won't happen. Dad is gone, beyond bugfood now, just dirt and the remains of the polyester clothes we dressed him in to throw his body away in a dignified manner. Not speaking ill of the dead...I loved him, still do...but the wish is still as empty. Christians know this, they just deny it.
I consider myself an agnostic but still celebrate Christmas as a time for family and friends to get together. I never cared for a savior when then was really nothing to save. If there is anything other than this life than I suspect we got it all wrong, in either case, we can only speculate so why worry about it. Enjoy what time we have with friends and family, we have enough to worry about in this life without getting twisted up in a knot about the next one, if there is one.
I hope Brother Crow and those feeling a bit "hollow" this christmas get through it alright.
Having been an atheist since i was ten and having a very large extended family, christmas has never been about religion for my clan. We do the tree up in tinsel, send cards and presents and on christmas day and boxing day, we get as many of my family into one room as possible and have a huge meal. Usually followed by the seniors having a kip and everyone else engagingin that great british tradition, boardgames.
I always used to enjoy the high ritual of church, but then as a kid, bells and smells easily impress. I can't say it miss it one jot, especially since i'm generally having too much fun glorying in my conquest of Kamchatka (Risk) or evicting my sister from her Park Lane hotel (Monopoly).
At this time in my life, i feel that church would be wasted time away from my family at a period. Given that i live a few hundred miles from the majority of my family (and a few hundred miles in England feels like another country) i like to take the time to see them all again.
Plus, the christmas stuff in my local church always struck me as odd. What was with those oranges with the candles? I get a bit of a chortle watching local pagans swaying in fields (especially if its raining) but really, i think they might be having a more fun time of it than the folks i used to see in my church.
Hi there guys, what's all this talk about the 'Xmas festivities',....thought this site was for 'budding atheists' & here we are discussing taking part in 'Christian' celebrations'.....!!! Wish you'd make your minds up guys. Personally i don't give a "STUFF" for any of that nonsense, it's clearly a 'misrepresentation' of what this POST should be all about: If we are to 'debunk Xtianity' then surely anything with 'religious' connotations means exactly that; nothing wrong in eating a few nuts & having a drink & feel a bit merry- you can do that any time- but, actually taking part in the festivities themselves?..... Surely that's going against the grain dont you think!?!?!?
Much worth commenting on as I take a -- brief -- break from my Thanksgiving festivals.
I agree with those who joyously celebrate Christmas time -- and don't give a *** about the fact that some centuries ago, Christians moved the date of their 'God's' birth back a few months -- it was previously celebrated on March 25 -- just to 'steal' a holiday from the pagans. It has many meanings, and most of the secular ones are beautiful.
I do enjoy the music -- and usually find myself singing "Adeste Fidelis" in Latin, a remnant of my Catholic school days. And I even enjoy the gospel story -- fiction, of course, but so what. Isn't it wonderful that writers so many years ago could create a beautiful story like that -- even if it is a shame that people don't realize it is fiction.
And, Brother Crow, I don't agree about a 'cold universe.' WE are part of the Universe, and one of our talents is to create warmth, physically or symbolically. (It gets pretty cold outside on December 25 here in Brooklyn. If I just 'experienced the Universe' I'd be shivering and getting ill. But I'm a human being, part of the Universe too, and I can go inside and enjoy the warmth we have created.)
Brother Crow, please, never forget that, never forget we are as much a part of the Universe as those distant stars, and enjoy the warmth we can give to each other.
prup, actually...thank you! Appropriate for Thanksgiving Day. You are right...I get that...I am part of the universe, and to an extent have a thermostat in my hands. Good word, bro...as I sit here with an eggnog and rum in my hand, I wish you and yours a very Happy Thanksgiving and lots of warmth in the coming days.
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