Toilet Paper Preacher

Dr. Orvall Roberto Kilton, Pastor of the Harvest Growth Church of Jesus Christ of Tithing and Faith, was arrested in his home Thursday on charges of destruction of legal tender. FBI spokesperson Greg Robins reported that found in the $37.9 million dollar mansion of the famous televangelist were 3 Hefty trash bags full of $100 bills that had been used as toilet paper over the course of two months. Authorities seized the excrement-covered bills as evidence for the upcoming sentencing of pastor Kilton who pleaded guilty to all charges.

"Had pastor Kilton discarded the bags before we followed up on the anonymous tip that led us to the Kilton home, we would have had no case," said Robins. "But because of what we found, the pastor will be facing destruction of legal tender charges. It's against the law to destroy money."

"This is awful news," says Joan Osted, associate pastor of the 46,200-member mega-church out of Orlando, Florida. "It isn't every day that you hear about a world-renowned scholar and televangelist and personal friend of Oral Roberts and Robert Tilton accused of a crime, much less a disgusting crime like this one." Pastor Osted refused to comment further, saying: "God is with brother Kilton. He has led many souls to the Lord. God will direct him through this storm, just as he did with past investigations by the I.R.S. of fraud and tax evasion.”

Dr. Kilton was eager to explain his actions: "I was out of toilet paper, so all I could think to do was to wipe my butt with the money, with the wads and wads of hundred dollar bills that cover the floor of every room in my house. It got to my head. I got wasteful and lazy, and for that I am sorry."

Getting noticeably emotional, the pastor continued: "This is truly a low moment in my life. I could have used that money to feed Ethiopian children who starve and die by the day while I eat and get fatter by the minute, but instead I used it to wipe my stinking rump. I am so sorry! It's just that for years I did what all televangelists do—I never shut up about the necessity of tithing and about how God, "The Great I Am," needs our hard-earned cash. I have always preached that if you send me $20, then God will anonymously send you $200. It worked too well (at least it did for me).”

Pastor continued: “Everyone sent me their money, and this made me rich—filthy, rotten, stinking, irresponsible rich. I have a Ferrari Enzo and a Ferrari F40 – each of them in two different colors – and I bought another 9.3 million dollar Bugatti Veyron less than a month ago. It was much nicer than the old one I bought a few months before that—the one I wrapped around a telephone pole and suffered whiplash from. And I bought everyone in my family the new car and house of their choice. I just invested in the purchase of a 9th golf course, which I've decided to call Shady Acres. I own vacation homes in 26 of the 50 states, the shabbiest one of them costs not a penny less than $320,000, and I have a solid gold banister leading up to our fourth floor bedroom at the main mansion, draped with cougar and bear skins, with ivory and platinum bedposts. The money got to my head."

Pastor did not hide but confessed the fact that half of one of the bags was full of discarded bills that were used as maxi pads by his wife and as napkins by their six kids at the dinner table. There is no word from the authorities on whether or not Dr. Kilton's wife Florence will stand to face charges with her husband.

When asked what he planned to do about the charges, the pastor said: "I may get up to 6 months in jail, and I'll have to pay some very big fines to make that light of a sentence happen, but that's ok. I have plenty of money to hire the best lawyer to get myself the most lenient sentence possible, and I have done that (though my lawyer would only accept a check, and not the barrels of cash I offered him)."

Dr. Kilton was also candid about his recent bouts of a weakening faith: "What I fear is that maybe God shouldn't have given me this money. Kenneth Copeland and I have flown in each other's private jets many times, and we prayed together that God would never give us anything that would take our hearts away from him. But at times, I have my doubts on whether God answered our prayers. Maybe the atheists are right. Maybe Christians who make tax-dodging pigs like me rich are just retarded, desperate, and naive. Maybe we TV preachers are nothing but pompous, greedy windbags who blow God's money on ourselves as we prey upon the idiocy and gullibility of others. Maybe idiots like me and my friends, Jesse Duplantis, Jimmy Swaggart, Benny Hinn, and Peter Popoff just get rich at the expense of the galactically dumb. I hope they aren't right."

"Support from the church has been overwhelming," said Wilma Wheaton, senior church secretary and friend of the Kilton family for 20 years. "We still love him. We still support him. And yes, we still give to him. That's what makes us Christians. Our pastor has the prayers and the utmost support of the church as he has requested. The pastor's house will be kept stocked with toilet paper weekly. That is important because what got pastor into this mess was his heading out to the church burrito cook-off competition and forgetting to have Shameka the maid go by the store for more Angelsoft. Really, it could have happened to any of us!"

Dr. Kilton told us that plans were underway to forego building what would have been his 27th vacation home in the Maui to build what he will call The Chapel of Conservatism, a daily meditation hall to remind him of his wasteful lapse and to prevent any future ones. We were informed that there will be no gold or platinum in the structure. Only silver and bronze and the usual selection of rare tiger skin adornments. "But I will still need your prayers and your financial support, brethren, now more than ever." pastor added.



Logismous Kathairountes said...

Seriously? I mean, if this was something that had actually happened, then your article would have been one of those arguments where the claim is that some particular belief causes people to do bad things, and therefore it must not be true - Like, "preacher gets arrested, therefore Christianity is false". And if it was one of those arguments, I would mention Communist Russia or some other murderous atheist regime, as a sort of counterbalance to the money-pooping preacher.

But you're not making an argument like that. There's nothing here even remotely resembling an argument that would debunk Christianity.

Joe E. Holman said...

I remember you, Logismous. You're one of the many elitists we get that puts your nose up and says "that's not an argument."

Do you realize how stupid you sound? Did you even take the time to digest the point of my piece? This article is not designed as an argument on the truth or falsity of Christianity. It is a satirical attack on the gullibility of the majority of our "Christian" nation, many of whom believe that at least some of these people are servants and mouthpieces of God.

The fact that so many idiots - droves of idiots - will listen to these windbags (and you) is telling about their state of mind, and therefore, their abilities to reason. Christians aren't interested in truth. They are desperate and looking for a voice to lead them.

A lot of people believe in these preachers, and those who don't still believe in others who teach and say most of the same things. It's gullibility. It's people like you who have to believe in something bigger than yourself.

You, you're worse than most because like J.P. Holding and other snots, you think that references to "argument" and "evidence," and use of semi-sophisticated words like "hypothesis," "non sequitur," and "logic" means that you have substance to your beliefs. You don't. You don't even have common sense, which makes you a pitiable fool. And you don't reason well.


C Woods said...

This will be lost on most religious people. True believers have no sense of humor.

Darrin said...

On the contrary Woods, you haven't had the experience of personal banter with Gary Habermas' stories about the country or Bill Craig's quips that knock you into fits right in the middle of a presentation of your arguments to him. True believers can be funny just like true nonbelievers!

I think LK's main objection is that the piece presents nothing more than humor on a blog where he expects to see arguments against Christianity. But the allusion Holman seems to want to provoke here is toward these moneygrubbing types; to Holman, perhaps, it is itself pointing out a dismissal of a pretty significant portion of the religion worth no more an argument than that due from a comedy-themed faux news story. I don't know of even a single apologist who would disagree with this notion at all, although they may be careful to point out (correctly) that not all Christians belong in this category.

mikespeir said...

"of Tithing"? I think this would give me a clue as to what this clown was up to right off the bat!

goprairie said...

if you all saw how they defended and made excuses for that joker that was doing all the 'healing' in lakeland, florida, you would understand that if this were a true story, his flock WOULD support him with this much frenzy. those healings were outright debunked and where are the medical miracles now that we should be hearing of, yet there are people today who watched all that and went there and BELIEVE in it and would defend the 'healer' even today. that zeal IS creepy and should be talked about.
and there is a church called 'world overcomers'. doesn't that sound like a parody? it isn't.

Pull The Other One! said...

Is it illegal to wipe your arse on a Jack T. Chick tract?