5 Obviously False References in the Bible

As the ages march on, it is a delight to find fewer attending churches and more making time to sit around doing other, more enjoyable things come Sunday. But even while classes full of growing students are satiated in going to their professors for answers instead of their priests, the age-old debate on the existence of God / validity of [insert religion here] somehow still rages on. The question should by now be settled, but those states where the collective IQ hasn’t exceeded 57 still have people who are clinging tightly to mom and dad’s hard-shell faith to define us.

However, it is a breath of fresh air to know that the seeds of doubt are first planted, not by scholarship or by secular parenting, but by common sense questions and healthy brains at work. Below are 5 biblical mentions that are in that camp known as “It don’t take no gosh-darn edjamucations to see this ain’t right.” Some things in God’s holy book are wrong simply because they defy any real level of sense. We begin the countdown with...

#5) The Global Flood of Noah: Quite a number of kids in Sunday school ask their teachers how Mt. Everest was once covered by water according to Genesis. One of the first apostates from the Church of Christ I tried to rescue as a preaching student asked the same question. After never getting a good answer (and not settling for bad answers), this individual drifted away, but like me at the time, most students just accept that it’s true because of those rapid-fire biblical assurances that go: “Let God be true, but every man a liar” (Romans 3:4) See? It sounds so reassuring!

As any geology student can tell you, we know how much water is in the earth, on the earth, and frozen on the earth. It is not enough to cover Everest. Atmospheric pressure would be 1,000 times higher if it was. But if you still believe in the global flood, I have a nice song for you to listen to and sing your kids to sleep with. It’s educational!

And as with all absurd biblical notions, the ideas don’t drop their absurdity with themselves; they spill over into other things, like, well, perhaps atheist Charles Lee Smith put it best in his 1929 debate with CoC’er W.L. Oliphant…
“How many of you here believe that the Chinaman, the negro and white man are descended from two Jews of six thousand years ago? Such differences would require one hundred thousand years to develop.” (Oliphant-Smith Debate, p. 119)
Not many of us today, Mr. Smith, because thanks in part to your efforts, we now have accepted that such a position would be as absurd as the flood itself.

#4) 22,000 Oxen and 120,000 Sheep are Sacrificed in One Week: One of the things that makes reading to understand the Bible such a challenging task is that it is a book of excesses and/or exaggerations that, frankly, defy rational thought. In 2 Chron. 7:1-10, we find one of many such passages that should induce a chuckle or two...
“4Then the king and all the people offered sacrifices before the LORD. 5And king Solomon offered a sacrifice of twenty and two thousand oxen, and an hundred and twenty thousand sheep: so the king and all the people dedicated the house of God.” (vs 4-5)
This was the celebratory feast following the completion of Solomon’s temple (5:1-2). The feast lasted one week. Doesn’t give a lot of time to carry out 142,000 stomach-turning animal sacrifices that would a) deplete their sacrifice stock for a long, long time to come, b) would be a shameful waste anyway, and c) would be impossible to carry out. This problem seems to almost have been recognized by the author...
“7Moreover Solomon hallowed the middle of the court that was before the house of the LORD: for there he offered burnt offerings, and the fat of the peace offerings, because the brasen altar which Solomon had made was not able to receive the burnt offerings, and the meat offerings, and the fat.” (7:7)
This has Solomon somehow making arrangements to keep up with the workload of 5 oxen and 24 sheep being sacrificed every minute around the clock for a week straight! Rather conservatively estimated, you’d need 4 feet high and over 22 acres to put the chopped up carcasses down on (which I’m sure would smell just delightful in noonday heat!)

But “answer men” blowhards like JP Holding come to the rescue and say that this didn’t happen in a day, but throughout the year, despite the fact that the last 2 chapters focus exclusively on events of the dedication, on Solomon’s prayers, songs, and sacrifices at the feast. He says: “Thus, if we object to the numbers, or even to the ‘economic impact’ this would have had on Israel, this matter is resolved: If they were not all killed at once, and kept reproducing, this amounts to an economic boon for the average Israeli as Solomon redistributes his own wealth.”

Ah, count on the theologians to keep the magic of theism happening even when the gods and their scriptures can’t do it anymore! It just doesn’t make much sense to say that the altar couldn’t handle all the sacrifices and offerings if this was a standard year-long event now, does it? Read chapters and 5 through 7 and THEN come and tell me you get the impression this was over the course of a year.

And even if we stretch out prep time for sacrifices to, say, over a month earlier, it doesn’t really help too much. Any rational person reading these verses will conclude the same.

#3) Egypt Endured 40 Years as an Uninhabited Country: It is one of the less talked about passages for sure, and just as obviously untrue. But the Bible says it, and in so affirming, it even mentions animals not being there…
“8Therefore thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, I will bring a sword upon thee, and cut off man and beast out of thee. 9And the land of Egypt shall be desolate and waste; and they shall know that I am the LORD: because he hath said, The river is mine, and I have made it. 10Behold, therefore I am against thee, and against thy rivers, and I will make the land of Egypt utterly waste and desolate, from the tower of Syene even unto the border of Ethiopia. 11No foot of man shall pass through it, nor foot of beast shall pass through it, neither shall it be inhabited forty years. 12And I will make the land of Egypt desolate in the midst of the countries that are desolate, and her cities among the cities that are laid waste shall be desolate forty years: and I will scatter the Egyptians among the nations, and will disperse them through the countries. 13Yet thus saith the Lord GOD; At the end of forty years will I gather the Egyptians from the people whither they were scattered: 14And I will bring again the captivity of Egypt, and will cause them to return into the land of Pathros, into the land of their habitation; and they shall be there a base kingdom. 15It shall be the basest of the kingdoms; neither shall it exalt itself any more above the nations: for I will diminish them, that they shall no more rule over the nations. 16And it shall be no more the confidence of the house of Israel, which bringeth their iniquity to remembrance, when they shall look after them: but they shall know that I am the Lord GOD.” (Ezekiel 29:8-16)
Some believers have the nerve to say that the current events in Egypt are the beginning fulfillment of this prophecy since it certainly has never happened at any other time...but it’s a little late, I’d say. If there was ever a time to pull out the “that ship has sailed” line, it’s here. At no point did Egypt go uninhabited for 40 years.

#2) The Waters of Bethesda: An angel came down to stir the waters of a pool in Jerusalem to miraculously heal whoever got in first. It left an aged man helpless since he was never fast enough to get in due to his immobility...
“2Now there is at Jerusalem by the sheep market a pool, which is called in the Hebrew tongue Bethesda, having five porches. 3In these lay a great multitude of impotent folk, of blind, halt, withered, waiting for the moving of the water. 4For an angel went down at a certain season into the pool, and troubled the water: whosoever then first after the troubling of the water stepped in was made whole of whatsoever disease he had. 5And a certain man was there, which had an infirmity thirty and eight years. 6When Jesus saw him lie, and knew that he had been now a long time in that case, he saith unto him, Wilt thou be made whole?” (John 5:2-6)
One wonders how the administering angel justified such a tactic of handing out God’s blessings in such an unfair system, but why isn’t this pool still around today? At what point did the angel close up shop and cease from stirring the waters? Why can’t we examine it? Was it when the veil of the temple was rent in twain? We’ll never know, but what we do know is that it never happened.

#1) Jesus’ Death Made Zombies Walk Around in Jerusalem: Think I’m just being colorful in my description? Nope, I’m not. Nowhere else in the New Testament do we find a passage with such brazen boldness in its fabrication...
“50Jesus, when he had cried again with a loud voice, yielded up the ghost. 51And, behold, the veil of the temple was rent in twain from the top to the bottom; and the earth did quake, and the rocks rent; 52And the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints which slept arose, 53And came out of the graves after his resurrection, and went into the holy city, and appeared unto many.” (Matthew 27:50-53)
Tell me this isn’t describing a first century zombie event and I will tell you I'm Cinderella! Although, the zombies are sort of uncooly just witnessing for Christ instead of eating the flesh of the living and causing a holocaust worth falling asleep watching on the Sci-Fi Channel.

This did not happen. Nuff said. But what good would it have done anyway? If the ultimate resurrection had not occurred and would not occur for a long time, why this “get up and walk into the holy city” maneuver? Or were the Old Testament saints released from the Hadean realm and went on into heaven after walking around the city like my grandfather believed, clearing out the “lobby” of the saved for the Christian righteous to come? Or did the writer of Matthew (like some other believers of the time) believe that this was the resurrection (see 2 Timothy 2:18)? That’s the thing about Bible belief. We can only wonder…and wonder and wonder.

So while the scholars will keep us stimulated with tit for tat in raging debates between believer and non, we can in the meantime look at the silliness of these examples and wonder how and why so many are ready to base their entire careers around preaching fairytales.


 When he’s not reviewing movies, Joe can be found wasting away at his website.


Unknown said...

How would William Lane Craig respond?

"Since he didn't address Balaam and the talking donkey, we know Joe E. Holman accepts that passage as true..."

(The verification words we must type are messing with my predictive keyboard. )