Shit Christians Say to Atheists: Translated (Part 1)

You’ve heard them over and over - all those clichéd, annoying questions and silly statements that Christians throw in your face. Well, let’s have a little fun at the expense of fundamentalists and translate what they really mean. After all, as the Good Book says: “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine.”

"You’ll think differently when you stand before God at the final judgment!"

Translation:

"I really don't have any reasoned rebuttals to your arguments so I will comfort myself by imagining you burning in Hell for all eternity."

"You have no meaning and purpose in life, without God. What's stopping you from killing yourself?"

Translation:

“I'm really pissed that I have to give so much of my time and money to my church and you don’t. I wish I could sleep in on Sunday mornings, think for myself, and not feel guilty for watching porn. Go die!”

"Without God, you have no basis for morality. What's stopping you from murdering, raping, and robbing?"

Translation:

"My religion has brainwashed me into believing that every human being on the planet is a psychopathic anarchist at heart."

“I’ll pray for you.”

Translation:

“If I talk to you any longer, I might lose my faith and become an atheist, so I am exiting this conversation.”

“Atheism has killed more people than religion.”

Translation:

“The reason dictators lead repressive regimes is simply because they don’t believe in a Supreme Ruler of the universe who requires that everyone bow the knee to him, and plans on torturing disloyal subjects, for all eternity. ”

“Our nation is falling apart because we’ve taken God out of the courts and schools.”

Translation:

“I am terrified by change. I want my religion to call the shots in society. Why can’t life get back to being like Leave It to Beaver and The Andy Griffith Show?”

“Religion gives people hope and does a lot of good.”

Translation:

“So what if it’s not true… it’s useful!”

“So you believe in… nothing?”

Translation:

“But I’m so used to letting the god virus call the shots in my life. How would I make it through the day without religion telling me what to think and do? Way too scary!”

“Here, read this. It will change your mind.”

Translation:

“I don’t have any answers so instead I’ll give you a poorly-written book filled with straw-man arguments.”

“I can’t imagine life without Jesus. He is everything to me!”

Translation:

“Jesus is like meth: Both foster addictive dependency and ultimately destroy our ability to feel pleasure.”

Continue to Part 2.


Written by J. M. Green