Shit Christians Say to Atheists: Translated (Part 2)

You've heard it a million times - the stupid shit that your Christian friends and relatives say to atheists. Join us for Part 2 and crack a smile as we look at what's really going on in those devout minds. Let's wipe out the nonsense and flush their crappy arguments right down the toilet.

“Deep down you know there is a God, it’s just that you hate him.”


“Because I’ve never questioned my beliefs, using reason and logic, I can’t imagine that you would have any actual reasons why you reject the idea of a God. What’s that? Of course I don’t hate Santa. Don’t be silly, he’s not real. How could I hate something that’s not real?”

“You can’t prove God doesn’t exist.”


“Disproving a negative… sweet Jesus, I hope this one shuts them up!”

“What if you’re wrong? Have you ever thought about that?”


“Look, I have doubts too, but I can’t take the chance that Hell might be real and that the loving God I serve will send me there if I don’t obey him, so I have to hedge my bets and keep going through the motions.”

“You never really were a true Christian.”


“I never questioned your authenticity when you were a believer, but now I’d rather call you a liar and fraud than to consider for one moment that I might be following a delusion.”

“So do you believe in Satan?”


“I usually blame evil stuff that happens on Satan. It would be bad enough if there was no God - without Satan I’d be really screwed! Also, don’t you atheists worship Satan?”

“That was the Old Testament. Jesus reveals God’s love in the New Testament.”


“I’ve got a methodology that conveniently allows me to ignore the really horrible stuff in the Bible, by turning God into a bipolar deity, with mood swings divided by the Old and New Testaments."

“Well, you can’t trust science because it is always changing things.”


“It’s not fair that science is inherently self-correcting and continually refined, based on the latest knowledge, when we fundamentalists don’t have that option with the divinely-inspired Bible.”

“I know that Jesus is real because I feel his presence in my life.”


“I have subjective emotional experiences just like people in all religions do, and I mistake those self-created experiences for something unique, and of divine origin.”

“We are very close to Christ’s return. Are you ready to face the End Times?


“The fact that Jesus has been a no-show for two thousand years somehow makes me think it SO much more likely that he will appear at any moment. After all, he did predict that there would be earthquakes before his return, and we are certainly seeing that sign fulfilled! Did you hear that Nicholas Cage is starring in a new Left Behind movie? I just love those books. I could talk for hours about this stuff…”

“I just couldn’t face life if I thought that this was all there is.”


“I am a weak person who is terrified of death and therefore I need comforting fairy tales to help me cope. Don’t take my religious Valium away!”

“If this is all there is, then life is meaningless.”


“I obviously need to get laid, visit some good restaurants, and maybe take up a hobby or two.”

“It takes more faith to be an atheist than to be a Christian.”


“By now, you will probably be realizing that I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, but I’m going keep saying things anyway.”

“Have you ever heard of apologist William Lane Craig?”


“Work with me here, will you? I’m running out of options!”

To be continued in Part 3.

Back to Part 1

Written by J. M. Green