On The Death of False Prophet Tim LaHaye, by Robert Conner

Here's a guest post on the death of Tim LaHaye, who was a false prophet, written by Robert Connor:
Baptist preacher, weapons grade homophobe, conspiracy theorist—of course the Illuminati wrote your local school’s curriculum! Don’t be silly!—founder of the Institute of Creation Research, and co-author of the Left Behind novels, Timothy “Moonbat” LaHaye has (finally) died. But there’s more Good News: Jesus Didn’t Come Back again. And again. And some more times. Many, many more times. Like all the other times Jesus Didn’t Come Back.

Two thousand years have passed with no Second Coming but the Christian apocalypse scam is still humming. Books promising blood up to the bridles of the Horsemen, low budget dreck featuring washed up actors, predictions of Judgment from the likes of the Baptist Nosferatu, Pat Robertson, all in a day’s work. Touch your TV screen and be healed! Pass me that there rattlesnake, Brother! I feel the Holy Ghost!

Here’s a partial list of failed prophecies from the New Testament:

And he said to them, "Truly I tell you, some who are standing here will not taste death before they see that the kingdom of God has come with power. (Mark 9:1)

Didn’t happen.

Even so, you too, when you see these things happening, recognize that He is near, right at the door. Truly I say to you, this generation will not pass away until all these things take place. (Mark 13:29-30)

Nope, that generation passed away. The clowns at the door were just Jehovah’s Witnesses.

...we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. (1 Thessalonians 4:15-17)

Didn’t happen. Nobody Paul wrote to is “still alive.”

“I am," said Jesus. "And you will see the Son of Man sitting at the right hand of the Mighty One and coming on the clouds of heaven.” (Mark 14:62)

So didn’t happen.

When you are persecuted in one place, flee to another. Truly I tell you, you will not finish going through the towns of Israel before the Son of Man comes. (Matthew 10:23)

Also didn’t happen.

Truly I tell you, some who are standing here will not taste death before they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom. (Matthew 16:28)

Nope, didn’t happen either. All dead.

What I am saying, brothers, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they had none... (1 Corinthians 7:29)

Au contraire, plenty of time. Have fun with your wife. Go on a second honeymoon.

Now these things happened to them as an example, but they were written down for our instruction, on whom the end of the ages has come. (1 Corinthians 10:11)

Sorry! Wrong again! It’s all still here. “The ages” are doing just fine.

And do this, understanding the present time: The hour has already come for you to wake up from your slumber, because our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed. The night is nearly over; the day is almost here... (Romans 13:11-12)

Almost here? Not even close. Take the day off. Sleep in.

He who is the faithful witness to all these things says, “Yes, I am coming soon!” Amen! Come, Lord Jesus! (Revelation 22:20)

Don’t wait up.

They will say, “Where is this ‘coming’ he promised? Ever since our ancestors died, everything goes on as it has since the beginning of creation.” (2 Peter 3:4)

Good question! Are evangelicals any closer to figuring it out? Not likely.

-- Written by Robert Conner