"How to Become a non-Christian" by James Aames is a Brilliantly Conceived Book!
Section 1: Getting Started
Section 2: Where did Christianity Come From?
Section 3: Why the Church is So Hard to Leave
Section 4: Change the Outcome of The Formula Section
Section 5: Fears that are Factual
Fear #1: You Were Fooled
Fear #2: You Wasted All That Time
Fear #3: You’ve Fooled Other People and Wasted Their Time
Fear #4: Your Parent’s Reaction
Fear #5: If you leave the church, your friends may abandon you.
Fear #6: If you leave the church, you might face financial ruin.
Fear #7: General Fear of How to Function in Secular Society
Fear #8: Fear of Having Nothing to Do (Being Alone)
Fear #9: Fear of Losing of Answers to the Primal Questions
Fears that are Fallacies
Fear #10: If You Leave the Church, You Will Have to Make Your Own Decisions
Fear #11: Fear of Having No Mission Assignment
Fear #12: Fear of Leaving Prayer and Meditation Behind
Fear #13: You are only doing this to pursue sexual “sin”
Fear #14: You Will be Punished
Fear #15: You will live in despair.
Fear #16: Fear of Being Seen as a Bad Person
Fear #17: You Will Become One of Them
Fear #18: The Bible Really Is Magic
Fear #19: You will go to Hell
Fear #20: Fear that God has chosen you to not believe
Fear #21: Fear that you will miss “The Rapture.”
Fear #22: Ending your relationship with Jesus
Section 6: The Final Calculation
Section 7: Take Action
Section 8: Sixteen Guidelines For Moving Forward
You’ve taken a gigantic step. Congratulations! You will never be the same person, and you are about to start growing into your new, healthier identity. A lot of what’s ahead of you is awesome, but there are a few pitfalls that you should watch out for. You will have anxiety. Some newly deconverted people experience a lot. I did. When you feel it, acknowledge it, and understand that you’re feeling it for a good reason. That anxiety very likely stems from the fears I discuss in this book. Keep rewriting those scripts and reward yourself every time you do. Don’t ignore your anxiety.
1. You Don’t Need to Convert People Anymore.
Remember, you can quickly take yourself out of Christianity, but it takes time to get the Christianity out of you. Christianity ground a lot of basic principles into you about your place in the universe and how you should act within it. You might not see them, but even though you’ve renounced your faith those principles are still there. It took me years of therapy to slowly unearth them and consciously extract them from my psyche. That’s called deconstruction. That’s what you’re doing now. It’s beautiful and worth it. Right out of the gate, you might be filled with “righteous anger” about your newfound enlightenment. You might feel the inclination to go argue with Christians about it, and you might fantasize about convincing Christians to renounce their faith right then and there. They’re not going to, and you should be wary of this. You might very well be arguing with your past self. You are more equipped to debate with Christians when you no longer feel like doing it. Remember, the opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. When you have finally stopped “loving” your old ways, you’re not going to give a shit about them. That’s when you’re ready to talk to other Christians. It’s okay to engage in healthy discussions, but you will learn (as I did) that arguing with Christians either face-to-face or virtually wastes a lot of time and serves mostly to frustrate you. Did you deconvert because of an argument you had with an atheist or an ex-Christian? Probably not. Healthy dialog does have its place, though. For me, those debates I had while still a Christian left some residue of unanswered questions that did impact my later decision to deconvert. If a conversation includes honest inquiry and genuine listening, go for it. If it’s two people trying to poke holes in the other person’s belief, you’re wasting your time.
2. You’re Not Going On a Diet.
Once you’ve deconverted, you can’t just reduce your intake of sermons and worship music and feel a lot better. No, you’re much more like a cocaine addict. Do cocaine addicts slowly taper off their use of Bolivian marching powder until the monkey is off their back? No, this is a cold turkey thing. You may go through withdrawals. You may not. But if you just sneak back into church and sit in the back row and listen to the worship music on Sunday morning because you need a little fix, you’re only hurting yourself. You need to rearrange the neurons in your brain to start assisting you in your new identity. Stop going to church, stop reading the bible, and stop fellowshipping with your Christian friends. Those activities are inconsistent with your new beliefs. (The exception is if you are forced to “fake” it for your family to ensure your well-being.) If you’ve just deconverted, your mind is fresh and a bit raw. The wounds need to heal, and returning to the source of your poisoning will prevent you from healing. Those activities will reinforce old beliefs, and hold the gate open for those pestering, subconscious fears. Close the gate. Keep out the marauders. Don’t go to church. Don’t fellowship with people who are going to try to persuade you. Don’t read The Bible or devotional books. There may come a time later when you can dip your toe into talking to those people, or reading The Bible skeptically, but give yourself a break. Save it for later.
3. You Were Not Intended to Do Something Great.
Another lingering after-effect of Christianity is what “The great commission” did to you. It made you think you were intended to do something important. We’ve discussed this a lot already, but it bears repeating. It might feel like terrible news that you weren’t created with some amazing purpose in mind. But it’s actually good news. You were not created for any reason. You just happened organically. You are not imbued with an obligation from any higher power to do anything. What a relief! Even though you might consciously accept that, the remnants of “the great commission” will still cling to the inner recesses of your subconscious. You’ll have a lingering sense that you were created to do something great. Let go of your own self-importance. It’s a big challenge, but you’ll become a happier person if you can.
Let go of your own self-importance. It’s a big challenge, but you’ll become a happier person if you can.
If you die having lived a mediocre life, it won’t matter. What will matter is whether you enjoyed that mediocre life, and whether other people enjoyed having you around. You don’t have to become a person who makes a huge difference in the world. You will make a difference … not necessarily by curing cancer, but by living an authentic life,
4. Slowly Switch on Your Brain.
As a Christian, you may have handled cognitive dissonance by switching off your brain. Questions cause stress. Learning causes questions. Inquisitiveness leads to trouble. You stopped learning anything outside of the thick plastic bubble you’d built around yourself. That way, nothing could remind you that you were totally and completely full of shit. The good news is, if you’re reading this book, it didn’t work. You’re not full of shit anymore, but you might still want to be numb for a while. For now, the idea of learning everything you can, and absorbing all the facts in the universe might not seem attractive at all. That’s okay! You don’t have to go take a class in art history, but just know that there are some great art movements that aren’t going to appreciate themselves. When you feel an inkling of curiosity, start doing research. Start reading. Read books for crying out loud[14]. Memes are not an education. Tweets are not an education. Social media “news” articles are often incorrect or outright lies. Books can be lies too, but at least book authors need to explain themselves. Someone who is lying will defer to the gullible world of memes and tweets. Don’t live in that world. When you’re ready to learn, read books. Start with a few I’ve listed in the bibliography.
5. Recognize your Internal Locus of Control.
I’ve talked about this a lot, but it is profoundly important. When you become a non-Christian and recognize your internal locus of control, it may ironically help you to become more Christ-like. By recognizing our internal locus of control, and by believing there is no justice in the universe unless we make it, you may find yourself treating other people with more compassion and wanting to help eliminate their suffering.
6. Understand Your Volume.
You may have quieted your own normal emotions for years. By that I mean you stifled your own desires, you didn’t allow your needs to be known much less met. Perhaps you did this so effectively that even you weren’t aware of your own needs. You didn’t protect your boundaries because you weren’t trained about what those were. You lacked the confidence to take a bold stand. After you’ve lived like that for years, proper expression may feel augmented. Even though you’re speaking in a normal voice, it will feel like you’re yelling. When you are confident you might feel like you are being arrogant. When you protect your boundaries, you might feel like you’re being hyper-defensive. Simply saying what you need might feel like you’re being aggressive. Know yourself. If you came from a very passive history, you’re probably not being an arrogant, aggressive, hyper-defensive person. But check with a trusted friend if you’re worried. “Did I just sound like I was being aggressive?” They’ll probably tell you no.
7. Insist On Evidence.
I’ve seen Christians leave their religion and become a member of some other wack-a-doo religion. This is because Christians are trained to believe without evidence. If you want to find “true truth,” you must insist on strong evidence proven through repeatable observation from a credible source. That may sound cold or boring, but if you don’t insist on that, your standards will be too low, and you may end up being a flat earther or a Q-Anon follower. Yuck.
8. Accept The Truth Even If It’s Bad News.
And “bad news” might mean that it’s something not believed by the majority, or that it’s a hard pill to swallow. People say things like “Everything happens for a reason” because it makes them feel better when bad things happen. When your skeptical mind kicks in, you’ll hear statements like that and question them. Using your new evidence-only approach, you might realize that the statement is 100% unproven and choose not to believe it. You might shout back, “No. There is no reason why <x> happened.” Just because there is no reason why <x> happened doesn’t mean you can’t learn from it, become a better person, etc. This might even be what people actually mean when they say, “everything happens for a reason.” You can learn from the bad things that happen. Use wisdom to learn from bad things and help blaze a path towards a fulfilling, enjoyable life.
9. Change Your Mind In The Face of New Evidence.
This is how you grow and mature. Super cool people do this. People who don’t do this don’t grow, become stubborn and intractable, and stop being curious. Cherish your own curiosity.
10. Be OK With Not Knowing.
We’ve already discussed this a bit, but when you remove your bias, your wishful thinking, and base your answers only on evidence, you have to answer some questions with “I don’t know!” If you can burp on purpose, try to actually belch out that answer. BRA-A-A-A-I DON’T KNOW-A-A-A-P
11. Everything is Permissible, but Use Caution.
Your previous guardrails are gone. Make sure you don’t go careening off a cliff. Not everything that was deemed “sin” is okay to do. There are a lot of drugs available that will ruin your life. There might be some that won’t but learn as much as you can. Defer to saying “no” until you are 100% sure that you’ll be okay. Alcohol is legal if you’re over 21, but please don’t drink until you black out. You might go on a sexual frenzy but use protection. An STD or a pregnancy could put a damper on things really quick. After leaving Christianity, you will feel a void. Feel free to imbibe in things that are now permissible but resist the temptation to fill the void with those things. You need to fill that void with you. It sounds corny but look at it this way. Secular people grow up doing those things and learning at a young age where their boundaries are. They build up healthy restraints. For example, they’ve trained themselves not to drink and drive—you maybe never had to. Be careful.
12. Talk Less. Think More.
While you walk around in your normal day, it’ll feel as though you’re wearing a new pair of shoes. Everything feels different and you’ll want to ask someone. “What do you think of these shoes?” “Do these shoes go with my shirt?”
“My new shoes are perfect, and you can’t say anything bad about them.” “Do these shoes make my ass look big?” I hate to say it, but most people don’t give a shit about your new shoes. Keep your thoughts to yourself. Use your own opinions as the chief moderator. You are used to getting the approval of the group, and you are not used to requiring your own approval. You shouldn’t entirely disregard the approval of others because you still do live in a society, and you need to have positive social interactions to thrive as a human. Use discretion with who you talk to about your new identity. Everyone will have advice, and it will all be different. Talk with a few trusted people only at first.
13. Enforce Your Boundaries.
Christianity did a good job of defining your boundaries for you, then manipulated you into believing in those boundaries. You were trained to submit, especially if you are a woman. Men are trained to submit to whatever leader is over them, and women are expected to submit to men in general. Depending on your personality, it may take some time and effort to erase those old imaginary boundaries and for you to form your own. The important thing is to be aware of how you feel. If someone else does something that you don’t like, it’s not necessarily your fault. It’s only your fault if you allow it to continue without you enforcing your boundaries. Also, it’s okay to rebel. Rebellion is good. Albert Camus said, “the only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.” It might feel rebellious for you to express your boundaries to other people, but you are free to do it.
14. Forgive People for Being Christian.
Humans are seriously fucked up. They are flawed. They are frightened. They need whatever messages they need, whether they are true or not. It will always be like this. You may be wondering why you would need to forgive someone just for being a Christian. Here’s something that may hurt your brain: a person cannot currently be a Christian without indirectly harming others. The ideas in contemporary Christianity are toxic, and simply by associating with a group who holds those ideas, a person perpetuates toxic ideas whether they consciously try to or not. The question becomes whether you should associate with Christians at all knowing that Christian ideas are a cancer on our society. You certainly don’t have to associate with them anymore. But if you do, your place in their life (and on their social media feed) will probably remind them to reflect on what they’re saying and doing. Approach them with forgiveness. Be a good example of how a human should behave. Along with forgiving them, though, you should expect them to be decent humans just as you should anyone else. You should have a certain expectation for how you want your friends to behave. When they’re being cruel or awful in some way, they are crossing your boundary. Don’t allow it. Call them out on their shit.
15. Take Care of Yourself.
Nurture yourself during this time. Don’t neglect your needs. People can easily start to beat themselves up because they feel bad about what they’ve done. If you’re like me, you’ll find it harder to get the basic things done. Pay the bills on time, clean your house well (better, even!), eat right, and exercise. You need to be shown love so show it to yourself.
16. Focus on Your New Direction.
It will be very easy to focus on your past. You may find yourself engaging in hours-long diatribes about how bad your Christian life was. It’s good to identify your pain and vent your frustration, but there will come a point when you should move on. Dwelling on your past will only create negative energy and make you feel superior. Instead, focus on your new identity and your new direction. The best ways to grow are by reading and getting to know people. You won’t find any definitive new identity by watching TV, scrolling for hours through TikTok, or by playing computer games for months on end. Get out and open yourself to new ideas. Find out about an activity you want to get involved with and create a new circle of friends.
Conclusion.
To quote Albert Camus again, “Sometimes, just carrying on is the superhuman achievement.” I’m here to say, if you press on, keep your chin up and just press on, your life, your outlook, and your worldview will all improve. Your new path does not lead to despair. It leads to a joy that is very speakable.
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