Amazing Bible Verses: Hands Off, Ladies!

I suppose we should not be surprised that women fare badly in a religion in which penises play a prominent role.

Anyone who has taken a stroll through the Bible soon encounters the fact that Yahweh is creepily interested in men’s junk. For starters, he required penile surgical alteration as a condition of male membership to the Jewish faith:

Then God said to Abraham, “As for you, you must keep my covenant, you and your descendants after you for the generations to come. This is my covenant with you and your descendants after you, the covenant you are to keep: Every male among you shall be circumcised… Any uncircumcised male, who has not been circumcised in the flesh, will be cut off from his people; he has broken my covenant.”Genesis 17:9-10, 14 (NIV)

Any male whose foreskin has not been cut off… will be ‘cut off’ from the people. I see what you did there. LOL. God, you’re so witty!

Beyond initiation rites, Yahweh has very specific ideas about how the penis should and shouldn’t be used, and he’s not shy about letting us know. Now, don’t go getting any ideas about parallels in other ancient cultures. Judaism was not like fertility cults in which sex and religion were mixed together. Oh no, all this penis stuff is simply because God invented the penis, and as a result, just wants to make sure we follow all the manufacturer’s instructions and thus get the best possible performance out of it.

But, I fear that we have wandered a bit astray from the topic at hand, which is this passage:

“If two Israelite men get into a fight and the wife of one tries to rescue her husband by grabbing the testicles of the other man, you must cut off her hand. Show her no pity.”
Deuteronomy 25:11-12 (NLT)

Let us change our focus to testicles. That magical location in the ‘loins’ where all future Israelites resided. A sacred place so important, that oaths would be sworn on it:

One day Abraham said to his oldest servant, the man in charge of his household, “Take an oath by putting your hand under my thigh.
Genesis 24:2 (NLT)

"Under my thigh"

Yep. You guessed it. Shades of the of the old high school physical hernia exam “Turn your head and cough”. Can you imagine if our courts today required that men take an oath, not by placing their hand on a Bible, but by cupping balls? Apparently this was a fairly common practice in the Ancient Near East – swearing on one’s own family jewels, or on those of another man.

So, in the eyes of Yahweh, it’s okay for a man to touch another man’s junk, if it's for a good cause. But if Israelite Dude # 1 gets into a bar fight with another guy, and is losing… let’s say Dude #2 is about to smash a metal folding chair down on his head, and Dude #1’s wife runs up to help her hubby and grabs Dude #2’s balls, well, guess what? God is not cool with that!

She touched the Holy of Holies belonging to Dude #2, and as M. C. Hammer so famously said, “You can’t touch that!” Just like Uzzah reaching out to steady the Ark of the Covenant (2 Samuel 6:6-7) she has pissed God off, and must pay.

In this case, her hand was to be hacked off.

“Show her no pity.”

Sounds barbaric, I know. All out of proportion to the offense, but the Lord moves in mysterious ways and I’m sure that he had some spiritual symbolic meaning for this to beautifully illustrate. And of course, he is merciful and loving (except when he isn’t).

Christians will raise the inevitable cry “But that was the Old Testament!”

Well, okay then, here is a New Testament quote for you, from Jesus:

If your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away! It is much better for you to lose one of your limbs than to have your whole body go off to hell.
Matthew 5:30 (GNT)

I wonder how many Bible-believers have bothered to follow this command of their master?

That’s all for now. Join us again for more amazing verses revealing the uninspired Bible!

Written by J. M. Green