Christian Unity Means Assurance of Salvation

This was left on my car's windshield.
Folks, there is no more Hocus Pocus when it comes to Salvation; no sir!  We can KNOW we are saved simply by reading seventeen verses cherry picked straight from of the Bible’s 31,103 verses followed by reciting a simple “Sinner’s Prayer”.  Salvation can then be suddenly achieved without any doubts, questions and further study faster than Ernest Angley can say Jesus.    No more confusion; no more of that “lost” feeling; and no more being on God’s shit list on a toboggan ride straight to an eternal Hell fire.  So amen and thank you Jesus!
The tract tells me my next move is to contact the local Independent Baptist Church and let the pastor share in the joy of my salvation.  (You see, isn't Christian salvation so very simple and sure?  Not only that, but NOW I KNOW I’m “Saved” . . . beyond a shadow of a doubt!)
So let’s say, after meeting and rejoicing in my new salvation with Baptist Pastor Jim, I go home praising God only to find two Jehovah Witnesses on my porch.  I tell them that, without a doubt, I know I’m saved.  To my surprise, they don’t rejoice with me, but tell me I’ve been tricked by Satan into a counterfeit religion.  OK, maybe there was a misunderstanding here.  Hey, as Pastor Jim puts it,  I’m just a babe in Christ.
 Upset, I call my neighbor Bill across the street who has been a good Catholic all his life.  I tell Bill the wonderful news about how I know I’m saved; washed in the blood of Jesus and ask him to rejoice with me in my salvation.  To my surprise, Bill quickly informs me that the Roman Catholic Church is the only true church and that I have joined a heretical sect . . . what?!

I’m starting to feel depressed.  Pastor Jim did tell me that Satan and his army of demons would now likely attack.  Since I would be at work the next day, I’d decided to tell my best friend Tom about my salvation so he and I could rejoice together in the Lord.  Reality hits the next day after I tell Tom about my salvation experience only to be again strongly rebuked as he dogmatically tells the Church of Christ is the only true and original church started Jesus himself and that I must join his Church to be accepted by God.
I leave work now totally depressed and call Pastor Jim from my cell phone on the way home and tell him I’m fighting the greatest spiritual battle of my life.  He tells me to "hang in there brother" and that Sunday’s sermon will address my spiritual trials and tribulations.  Now, contrary to what Pastor Jim said before, he now tells me God is testing me to see if I will truly bear my cross for Jesus.  (At this point I’m not sure if I’m fighting Satan and his whole army of demons or if God’s is testing my salvation to the limit or maybe, like in the Book of Job God and Satan have Double Teamed me!  I turn to prayer for divine help trusting God will hear my pleas and send immediate help assuring me of my salvation.)
Just when I think I’m at the end of my rope and crying out to God at home for spiritual guidance, the door bell rings and there stands two of the finest looking young men with name tags telling me they are from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, the Mormons . . . .