Showing posts with label a great man has died atheist. Show all posts
Showing posts with label a great man has died atheist. Show all posts

"Help! My Daughter's Marrying a Black Man!"

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By Pastor Ed Lowman

Since May of 2006, Pastor Ed Lowman has shepherded the Aryunder Baptist Church in Aryunder, Tennessee. Since before that time, the native South Texas pastor spent time in Iowa, Maryland, and different parts of the nation ministering the Gospel of the Kingdom of God.

Having become very well known for his self-published Christian How-to pamphlets, we present one of them here, re-published with permission from the Jesus Saves Bible and Tract Society...

So, your precious little girl has grown up to be a mating, blood-dripping machine known as a woman? That is hard news to handle since God thinks less of baby girls than he does of baby boys (Leviticus 12:2,5)…

“Speak unto the children of Israel, saying, If a woman have conceived seed, and born a man child: then she shall be unclean seven days; according to the days of the separation for her infirmity shall she be unclean. But if she bear a maid child, then she shall be unclean two weeks.”

But now you learn that your daughter has upped and gone about to marry a man without your parental approval. I cover that in my pamphlet “When The Sow Don’t Ask Permission” and I offer steps on how to correct the problem. But right now, we’re dealing with a bigger problem—your daughter is fixing to marry a black man.

Don't just be ashamed of your daughter. Be ashamed of yourself for not taming that thoroughbred like the Bible says you should have done (Proverbs 22:6). You, as the parent, decide who your little girl marries, not her (I Corinthians 7:38). Maybe the liberal, secular authorities got you thinking otherwise, but God's Word hasn't changed one bit. So after you repent for falling short of God's Glorious Word, pick yourself up and move along and continue reading.

First, accept the bad news. Your daughter isn't coming back conjugally to the white race again. “Once they go black, they never go back,” as the saying goes. The Bible confirms this when it states with God-sealed inspiration that Negro genitalia is superior to the rest of humanity’s…

“Yet she multiplied her whoredoms, in calling to remembrance the days of her youth, wherein she had played the harlot in the land of Egypt. For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses.” (Ezekiel 23:19-20)

We do not know why God has endowed the darkies with huge dongs, but in His infinite wisdom, He decided to give his Caucasian servants packages that are only a little further along than the Burmese whom God has been cursing with natural disasters since 2004. What God has given He has given.

That your daughter wants to marry a black man is not good news. No self-respecting white Christian who respects their race in keeping with Genesis 9:25-27 would be happy with even partially darkie grandbabies. And no Christian wants to get together at Thanksgiving with a cursed descendant of Ham at the dinner table asking to pass the mashed potatoes and gravy. Moving on.

Second, appear to be supportive. When your daughter announces that she's found herself a minority, act supportive. However the news gets back to you, appear enthused even though you are crying inside.

Third, invite the young buck over. Tell your pumpkin…insist, rather…that you must meet the guy. Don't take no for an answer, and don't buy into that “oh, we're not that far along yet” garbage. Invite him over ASAP. Just remember to put away any valuables you have out and have 911 on speed dial.

If you have trouble getting him over there, offer to cook collared greens and fried chicken or barbeque. That should do the trick. Failing that, offer a free set of 20-inch rims. Then it’s a done deal.

Fourth, once he arrives at your house, ask your daughter to give you a minute with the lad. If she feels too nervous for that, snatch him away when she ducks out to use the lady’s room. Use this opportunity to ask him about a business proposal, but tell him not to tell your daughter about it, but to meet with you privately the next day.

Fifth, meet with him discreetly at a classy restaurant and pay for his meal. Make him feel like he is a high roller. It is here that you are going to offer him a financial settlement to leave your daughter and walk away forever. How much you offer depends upon how much the Lord has blessed you with.

Because he is black, he will probably take the money and split, but just to ensure that he does, offer half of the money up front and the other half six weeks later when you have established that no contact has been made behind your back. If you still find him a hard sell, offer him a free Biggies Smalls or Mike Jones CD. No black can resist those.

Sixth, contact some of our Godly friends and affiliates from the Bush Administration to hook you up with under-the-table wire-tapping to make sure their relationship has been severed. Once you see to it that no contact has been made, you can offer him the rest of the money. By then, both of them will have grown apart and the spark of ungodly love will have died. Praise Jesus!

Be advised that it may take some time to build a working relationship back up with your daughter, but it was worth it. We cannot disrespect our Godly race and heritage.

Seventh, and finally, pray to the Lord above that our African lugger never comes back. If he does, you must consult Chapter 4 “When Blackie wants it The Hard Way.” Sub-paragraph 6 goes into bodyguard stand-in requirements and locating a nearby lake. Sub-paragraph 9 deals with acquiring a 50-gallon drum.

(JH)

Wow! I'm on YouTube Now!

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Yes, after more than a few failed attempts and fretting from my net Neanderthalish-ness, I am on YouTube now. The quality of the video leaves a lot to be desired, I know, but I'm learning. Please bear with me. Alright, here we go...



(JH)

A Great Man has Died!

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Just a few hours ago, I got some very, very bad news. I felt like I’d been kicked in the stomach when I read it. My eyes saw it, but seemed slow to want to comprehend it. “How could it be?” I said to myself. “He had such high energy, such vibrancy, such a house-rocking stage presence!” No, I didn’t know him personally, but I sure knew of his work. I’m a huge fan!

Then, as I sat there and soaked the news in, I realized it had to be true. He was 71 and had a history of heart trouble. But he lived a rich, full life, and as with all things, there is an end to come. That’s really all there is to it. But…that’s not all there is to it! No sir! No maam! There’s so much to this man that no one article could possibly express it.

He was the paladin of profanity, the oratory athlete of atheism, the crowned prince of common sense, and a whispering wind of wisdom to all who gave ear. I’m talking about none other than comedian George Carlin who died at Saint John’s Medical Center in Santa Monica, California just yesterday. Only a week ago, he was on stage, doing what he did best. A week later, he’s complaining of chest pains and being admitted to the hospital, and finally, being deserted by that defective blood pump in his chest.

Hate him if you want to, tell him he’s going to hell if you so choose, but don’t say you weren’t moved to chuckle a time or two at his ostentatious observations. The man made a difference like few have or could have; he pushed until it gave; he stretched the limits and then some; he was court marshaled a number of times, fired, and was constantly being called out and faulted for being who he was. On one occasion, he was arrested for disturbing the peace after performing on stage. But he won four Grammys, was nominated for five Emmys, wrote three renowned books, produced twenty-three comedy albums, made fourteen HBO specials, put a few TV shows under his belt, and even appeared in prominent parts in a number of big movies. And let’s not forget that it was George Carlin who hosted the very first episode of Saturday Night Live!

Carlin taught us all a lot—comedians will do that! But what Carlin assured me of most of all is two things; first, that truly great men tend to be movers and shakers and will kick against the pricks of normalcy until it hurts; but second, Carlin taught me who the real BEST debaters are on the planet. As a former seminary student – young, wet-behind-the-ears, and always obsessed down to the bone with debate and intellectually outclassing my opponents – I wondered for so long what group could consistently outclass their adversaries and make them look like blithering, blockheaded fools on the podium.

Well, it certainly wasn’t the debate students or teachers in the colleges. And it certainly wasn’t the elitist theologians, and it’s not even the atheists. Nope, if you really want to get your ass handed to you in a debate, challenge a comedian! Go on! See what happens! Carlin defined an entire genre of teachers, educators who employ the use of those teaspoons of sugar called humor and irony to help the “medicine” of knowledge go down. It’s the honesty of comedians that really sets them apart from the rest of us, with our cold formalities and superficial codes of conduct that tend to hide the answers to so many of life’s hard truths.

It was the George Carlins of this world who taught a fearful, sex-abhorring, body-hating, Bible-loving public that certain body parts are not evil and should be able to be exposed just like all the other parts. It was the George Carlins of this world who let us know how dippy and stupid our society is to isolate a certain set of “seven words” to keep them from being said in public. From Carlin we learned that being offended by anything as small as profanity is totally senseless and dumb, and that only people with oatmeal for brains will be. It was comedians like Carlin who softened us up to accepting that religion is completely man-made and man-driven—from start to finish. The gods are fair game; it’s okay to doubt them, to joke about them, and to use their holy books as a means to even-out wobbly tables or for toilet paper!

It was from comedians like Carlin that we learned that the world will not end if we are made uncomfortable by what someone else says, that it’s okay to say out-loud those obtuse thoughts in our own heads that we are embarrassed to verbalize. It’s okay to express yourself just as surely as it is to reason freely about every facet of reality. If the gods were real, they’d bless George Carlin and those like him for their honesty, for being courageous, for making sport of sacred silliness, for being lighthearted about our dark natures, for casting aspersions at monotonous norms, and for frustrating the goddamn hell out of those on the far right. Such triumphant souls pave the way for the rest of us to open up and to laugh at life, to be ourselves and to be better communicators. If I can accomplish 1/8th of what George has done, I’ll call myself a witty man.

Rest in Peace, George.

(JH)