Tony Alamo: Christian Fundamentalism, Tarentino-style

Tony Alamo's compound in Fouke, Arkansas got raided by law enforcement officials over the weekend, the culmination of a two year investigation of allegations of child abuse, child pornography and polygamy in the compound.

Six girls were placed in state custody, as they were "in harm's way or in imminent danger", according to Arkansas Department of Human Services spokeswoman Julie Munsell.

As despicable a prospect as that development is (presup-Calvinists, insert dubious reactions to atheist making moral judgments here!), what's really astonishing is reading about the illustrious career of this evangelist, founder and head of Tony Alamo Christian Ministries. It reads like a screenplay for a Tarentino movie, one he turned down.

Alamo is a "Damascus Road" Christian, apparently eschewing evidential approaches to theism in favor of more direct revelation. Before his conversion, he was quite the mover and shaker:

I went from being a big band crooner to being an executive in the health club business. I was the executive vice-president of the world’s largest health club chain. We had seventy-five health clubs in the United States, several in Canada, and several in the United Kingdom. I ducked in and out of the motion picture and music industry through the years, cutting my own records to fit whatever the current trend of music was. I put together “Oldie but Goodie” albums, bought radio and television time, and made a fortune out of the albums. I managed the careers of top motion picture stars and recording artists. I also took unknowns and developed them into stars in the movies, in television, and in the recording industry.

Later, when I became popular at this, I was asked by the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, the Doors, Buffalo Springfield, P.J. Proby, Pete Best, the original drummer with the Beatles, and many other solo singers and groups if I would manage them. Later, after I was saved, I was asked to engineer Eddie Fisher, Lena Horn, Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme back into popularity, not to mention hundreds of others.

Jimmy Bowen, from Warner Brothers Studios in Burbank, asked Billy Strange, one of Frank Sinatra’s music arrangers and the head of the Frank and Nancy Sinatra Publishing Company, if I would do the promotions for Jim Ed Brown, Helen Cornelius, and an entire host of other country/western singers produced by Billy Strange. But I’m no longer available for such things. I’m a pastor, an evangelist and a scribe in the full-time gospel field. However, I do record gospel music.

Clearly, Alamo was destined for greatness, one way or another. But God had other plans for him than managing the Beatles, the Doors, or the Rolling Stones:

I was driving around town in a chauffeur-driven limousine with a police escort and an entourage of seventeen people, putting the world on a trip. I had a barber, a bodyguard, a nurse, and all sorts of “yes” men. If I went to a hot dog stand or a motion picture premiere, I went with the limousines, chauffeurs, cops, and the whole regalia. The bodyguard would open the door, throw down a big velvet pillow; we would step into the velvet pillow. The barber would comb our hair, the nurse take our pulse. One of the fellows would spray us with cologne, another strew flowers in our path, and the cops would stand at attention. Where did I get the cops, the chauffeurs and the limousines? I rented them from a funeral parlor for a hundred bucks a day.

I had spent so much money on promotional ads and on keeping the entourage of seventeen people that my expenses were running into thousands of dollars a day, and I needed money. My attorney told me some of the superstars had invested money in a holding firm and they were interested in investing money in my campaign. Would I meet with them and their attorneys? At first I said, “No. I have a hit record, the record distributors owe me money. Within thirty to forty-five days I will have all the money I need.” My attorney said, “Tony, the way you spend money, there is no way you can survive thirty to forty-five days.” I ranted and raved. “Sure they will put up the dough. I have the star made. I’ve done all the work. Why wouldn’t they take the frosted cake for a million bucks?” “Well, Tony,” he reasoned, “don’t sell half of him.” I agreed to see them and offer five percent for fifty thousand. Little did I know what was waiting for me that day.

The black limousines lined up, the police escort went into formation, and we cruised down the streets with motorists and pedestrians gaping, wondering who the dignitaries were. We cruised over to the attorney’s office. The police lined up the limousines, the chauffeurs opened the doors, and we got out of the limos and went up one flight of stairs to the attorney’s offices in Beverly Hills. The offices were packed. The motion picture stars were there, their attorneys and, of course, my seventeen people.

The attorney representing the investment firm was a little Jewish man. He came forward rubbing his hands and smiling. “Tony Alamo,” he said, “I have been wanting to meet you. This is the greatest promotion I have ever seen in all my years in the industry. It is an extravaganza,” he exclaimed, sweeping the wall with a gesture, and I saw he had the whole promotion laid out on his wall, still rubbing his hands and smiling as we sat down. “Now,” he said, “I understand you boys need money.” I was getting ready to haggle with him, and I thought to myself, “I have one up on him. He thinks I am Italian, and I know he is Jewish.” I answered him with, “Well, I don’t need as much money as you had originally offered.”

Suddenly my ears went completely deaf. I could not hear any noise from the crowd in the room. We were only one floor up, yet I could not hear any noise from the street. I looked at the people in the room. Some of their mouths were moving, but I could not hear anything they were saying. Suddenly I heard a voice, a voice that came from every direction. It was all around me. It was going through every fiber of my being. My head, my arms, my legs; it was all around me. The voice said, “I AM THE LORD THY GOD. STAND UP ON YOUR FEET AND TELL THE PEOPLE IN THIS ROOM THAT JESUS CHRIST IS COMING BACK TO EARTH, OR THOU SHALT SURELY DIE.”

I looked around the room to see if someone was putting me on some kind of a trip, and they were all looking at me. I felt as if I were sealed into some sort of gigantic vacuum. I thought, “I am going crazy. I’m losing my mind. Yes, that’s it, I’m cracking up.” People had told me I was a genius, and geniuses often cracked up, so that was it. So I would get out of here before I made a fool of myself.

I stood to my feet and said, “I am ill.” The giant pressure that was upon me forced me back into my seat, and the voice as many waters flooded all around and through me again. “I AM THE LORD THY GOD. STAND UP ON YOUR FEET AND TELL THE PEOPLE IN THIS ROOM THAT JESUS CHRIST IS COMING BACK TO EARTH AGAIN, OR THOU SHALT SURELY DIE.”

I struggled to my feet again and took one step. As I did, God started playing with my soul like a yo-yo. He would pull it half out of me, and then put it back. My heart was palpitating so hard it felt as if it was going to jump out of my body, and suddenly a revelation came to me, so real I was astounded that I had not always known it. I knew there was a Heaven and a Hell. I started screaming to the top of my lungs, “No, God, no! Please don’t kill me… I’ll tell them! I’ll tell them! I’ll tell them!” The breath went back into my body, and my heart stopped jumping.

I said, “God, You don’t know these people like I do. They won’t believe me. But I’ll tell them. I’ll call them all on the phone, send them telegrams, anything. But please don’t make me do it here, they will think I’m crazy.” Again He started pulling the soul out of me. My heart was jumping out of my body. I was gasping for breath. “No, God, no…please,” I began screaming, “I’ll do it, I’ll do it. I’ll tell them.” Again my breath went back in my body, my heart stopped thumping.

Interestingly, Alamo was aware of the incredible nature of the experience, even as it was happening:

I looked at the people in the room. They were all staring at me with eyes as big as owls. “I know you won’t believe me,” I said, “but God is telling me to tell you that Jesus Christ is coming back to earth.” Now, I said to myself, I said it. Oops, again my soul started going in and out, again, gasping for breath. “What’s the matter, God? I said it, I told them.” Suddenly every promotion I had ever done in my life was laid out before me in block form. The enthusiasm I had built and sold a star or a product with. And the Lord said, “NOW THAT YOU KNOW I AM HERE, IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO FOR ME?” “I know you won’t believe me, but Jesus Christ is coming back to earth again.” This time when I looked at the group of people, they all looked so small to me, and I really wound up with all enthusiasm. “Repent,” I screamed. “Jesus is coming!” I had never read a Bible scripture in my life. I had seen the picture, “Elmer Gantry,” and I commanded everyone in the room to get down on their knees and repent immediately, that Jesus was coming. I thought that if I did not do a good job, they would all disintegrate before my eyes and I would disintegrate for not doing a good enough job.

Alamo went to priest with news of his theophany. The priest told him to "keep it in [his] heart" and be baptized, a reaction that infuriated Alamo, and began a long career of anti-Catholicism. After that, he "went from one church to another, but found no one preaching the powerful message that God had given to me."

Thus began the illustrious career of Tony Alamo, Christian evangelist.

As you might expect, the next step was buying a home in Malibu, and setting up shop manufacturing ornate, beaded and custom painted jackets for the Hollywood stars. And of course, all the proceeds from that enterprise is bound to eventually cause trouble for the humble preacher; in 1994 he was sentenced to six years in prison for tax evasion.

Back in 1982, Tony's wife Susan Alamo had died of cancer. Inspired by a vision that had revealed his wife as resurrected, Alamo declared to the community that she would in fact be resurrected, and kept Susan's body, embalmed, on display in the community compound for the better part of a year in anticipation of the miracle. The body was finally turned over to Susan's family as part of a three year legal battle, ending with Alamo using the body's turnover as part of an arrangement for surrender to authorities on tax evasion and other charges.

Of course when your wife dies of cancer and doesn't get resurrected as you planned, after many months of waiting, the only thing to do is remarry, and quickly. A beautiful Swedish woman would do the trick. Good things never seem to last when you're Tony Alamo, however, and two years ylater, she would be gone, divorcing him with the complaint that Alamo wanted her to have plastic surgery so as to resemble his dead, beloved Susan. Oh, that and the regular beatings and druggings he gave her.

But an evangelist must press on, and run the race, and in 1998, after serving four years of his six year tax evasion sentence, he started to rebuild the languishing Tony Alamo Christian Ministries. Before long, Alamo's message could be heard on radio stations all over America, and as far away as Sri Lanka.

Satan, offended by a resurgent Tony Alamo, hit back hard, either stirring up damnable lies about Alamo, or tripping Tony into temptation. Reports had started to accumulate that the evangelist's compound had become a den of pornography and abuse, possibly including pre-pubescent children. In an interview given after the raid, Alamo denied the charges:

"They (government agents) have got six of our girls in custody. Little girls. They probably disrobed them. I mean it's the most filthy bunch of devils that I've ever heard of," Alamo said.

As for former followers making the allegations, Alamo said, "I've kicked a lot of people out of the church and they'll say anything to get back at me."

He suggested efforts to gather evidence against him will only bring more people to his ministry, noting that daily traffic on his Web site has grown more than 10-fold, to more than 1 million hits, since the raid.

"They're really making us famous," he said with a laugh.

Satan's plan having backfired -- again! -- Alamo was more defiant than defensive about the charges of pornography and abuse, suggesting he had a mandate from the Bible for the, um, "young marriages":

"In the Bible it happened. But girls today, I don't marry 'em if they want to at 14-15 years old. Because we won't do it, even though I believe it's OK," Alamo said.

In an AP interview on Saturday, he had said that for girls having sex, "consent is puberty."

On Monday he bristled at descriptions of his organization as a cult, saying enemies want to cast him as a "weirdo for preaching what the Bible says."

Enemies abound when you are Tony Alamo.